Perks of Being a Thirty-One Year Old Freshman

So yeah, when I should have been in college at the socially-deemed 'appropriate' age I was busy being in a horrid marriage with a soul-sucking jerk.

Now, at age thirty-one (it hurts a little less every time I say it aloud, forgive me) I will be starting school this Fall. Yawn, academia. Now- on to the perks!

1. Student loans! Yes, I do have to take out one, just a small one. Just this once. I can see how an eighteen year old offered these loans could get into suffocating debt, quickstyle. So tempting. At my age I have the advantage of seeing all my peers still completely inundated in student loans from a decade ago so I can learn from their mistakes. Take that, showoffs!


2. The sleek and powerful MacBook Pro I am going to buy using aforementioned student loans. It's completely necessary, for school work you know. The fact that Apple is offering students a FREE! (after mail-in rebate) iPod Touch with the purchase of a Mac, well that is just a bonus isn't it?


3. When the younger students want someone to buy a keg they'll come grovelling to me. Plus, I can probably get a senior discount and pocket the difference! Brilliant. The student loan will be paid back before you know it.
   

See? Bullet-proof. However, the first wisenheimer that makes a Strangers With Candy joke at my expense is getting a Viking send-off. If you know what I mean.

Jerri Blank, Strangers With Candy

Awesome Birthday Spectactular! (Now with Fancy Ketchup!)

(Fancy Ketchup)


I would love to tell you that I lived up my thirty-first birthday in style, which by local standards would mean putting on my clean overalls and going out for fine dining at Bennigan's Irish-themed restaraunt, and using fancy ketchup on my tater tots... but alas, I stayed at home. Violet wasn't feeling very sociable today (translation: she screamed a lot), plus it was raining so I didn't want to drag her out unnecessarily. (Her health comes first, no matter how much I loves me some fancy ketchup!)

But please, do not cry for me! I still had fun at home! I had party guests, cake, gifts, even a DJ! Check it out:
DJ Weloo on the busy box, mean-mugging the camera. She has a wicked fashion sense, no?

Here are my guests: UglyDolls, experiencing various stages of sugar intoxication after only one piece of chocolate cake betwixt them.

And for my gift I received another Fierce Bunny! Actually two, because this is a mommy and baby. (Don't even start in on it, people. I recall how jealous and mean you all got over the first one.) Wow, I knew bunnies were quick to multiply, but these things are downright fruitful.

Here's the happy bunny family. Awwww. (I think they are already getting on each other's nerves. She nags and he doesn't do his share of the cleaning.)

And, the cool box it came in with a drawing by the artist, Sonja Ahlers.

Well, someone is honking their car's horn outside. I better go check. Hmmm, why would someone in a van with "Golden Years Community" on the side would be doing at my house? Weird.

Wait, There Must Be a Mistake!

By my calculations, approximately twelve minutes ago I turned thirty-one.
Ack!
I don't feel older... yet.
I'll give it an hour. Maybe two.
What is that sound?
That is the sound of my body betraying me! Cells duplicating slower and slower. Wrinkles and crinkles carving their way into my flesh. I can feel it.

I'm going to go try to wash it off before it spreads!

(Now accepting fun ideas for my impending mid-life crisis! Wacky attire, hairstyles, extravagant purchases- the more age-inappropriate the better!)