- First up, you may have heard that a plane had to make a crash landing in the Hudson River after its engine failed due to interference by a flock of geese. Everyone lived (well, except a bunch of geese who were mangled to millions of tiny bits by a huge engine), the pilot is a hero. Great story. Now the only mystery remaining is a missing left engine. Let me clear this up: they are not going to find the engine. It was transported through a warp in time and space where it has already landed on the house of Donnie Darko. (He doesn't make it.) There. Two mysteries solved at once! Now you know where that damn engine came from in Donnie Darko, and you now know where the plane in the Hudson's engine went to.
- Virginity sells, but who's buying? Some old perv-o in Australia with lots of extra cash, apparently. Okay, everyone is spazzing out in fits of moral righteousness over this twenty-two-year-old lady, Natalie Dylan, and her money-making scheme to sell her virginity. Look at it this way: most girls her age are just giving it away to random frat boys, in which the only payoff they receive is instant remorse and possibly chlamydia. I don't see Fox News foaming at the mouth over those stories, which are far more common. At least this girl is smart enough to hold out for 3.8 MILLION dollars, which is the current highest bid. Furthermore, of course she is doing it to try to get her own movie or television show, but how can we blame her for that when "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" is still on television? Who even knew Kim Kardashian before her sex-tape infamy? Her reward was getting her own (stupid) show. People are watching that show, although no one admits it. That is why they keep it on the air.
I do realize that cable "news" is mostly celebrity gossip and really depressing stories these days, so I will take a moment to update you on some cartoon news.
- Wile E. Coyote still hasn't caught Road Runner.
- In Bikini Bottom: Plankton is still trying to get the secret recipe for Krabby Patties from Mr. Krabbs. Spongebob Squarepants is still an idiot.
- Roger and Jessica Rabbit are still happily married, making theirs the longest marriage in Hollywood history.