Gee Thanks, Random Pessimist!

Today I was pulling Violet around the yard in her red wagon when some guy I do not know happened to be walking by. He says hello, I say hello back. Normal stuff here in suburbia.

But then from the depths of his tortured and lonely soul erupted strange words, that actually passed the filter in his brain saying "acceptable" and then came out of his mouth, landing on my fragile ears:

"She'll be pulling you before long. It'll happen before you know it."
I do believe he meant pushing- as in wheelchair.

So yes folks, even total strangers see me and think to themselves, "Hmmm, I bet that frazzled lady with the unbrushed hair, broccoli on her shirt and the rowdy kid there probably needs knocked down a peg or two. I'm a'gonna to tell her that she's gonna die, AND much sooner than she thinks. Wait- not morbid enough. I got it! I'll let her know that before she shuffs off her mortal husk she's also gonna be handicapped and forced to rely on her offspring to push her cratchety old ass around, too! That oughta fix her!"

You KNOW that was this random douchebag's weirdo's thought process. Why else would anyone feel compelled to say such a bizarre thing to a perfect stranger?

I should have said to him something equally inexplicable. I should've screamed "The crow flies at midnight, Poncho!" Or perhaps, "Your mother never loved you!" Hell, I suspect that one may be true. I hope this good ol' boy wasn't meaning no harm and he's just one of many socially awkward locals who say "off" things. It happens frequently.

If he would have phrased it any more poorly he simply would have walked by and shouted, "You. Old and Dead. Soon."

Ugh.
Something about me attracts the weirdos.

Nude Prowler, The Scowling Crackhead Sisters, and Banning Barbie

Those assorted items listed in the title are not out of a new graphic novel or independent film.

They are some of the headlines from my local news! I thought I'd share them since 1. I've got nothing better to blog about at the moment, and 2. They are pretty funny.

First up, the police responded to reports of an elderly man sporting only a raincoat, "prowling" the interstate. Apparently he had been engaged in a "consensual relationship" with an unidentified person outside the local adult book store. Here he is. (Is it just me or is he wearing lipstick?) I bet he met his date on Myspace!

Next up, we have the daughters of our local County Commissioner selling crack. I'm posting this one as a public service announcement: Don't do crack! Look at these ladies! Crack is bad for you, obviously.

And the last item concerns Jeff Eldridge, the West Virginia lawmaker who recently proposed a bill that would ban Barbie. Personally I think there are more important things going on here in Wild, Wonderful West Virginia that should be dealt with first. To name just two: lack of jobs and the bone-crushing poverty that comes with that, and widespread drug addiction (see Bailey sisters, above).

Here's what Jay Leno had to say about it:

"Last week, a West Virginia lawmaker named Jeff Eldridge introduced a bill that would ban the state of West Virginia from selling Barbie dolls. They want to make it illegal to sell Barbie dolls in West Virginia cause they say the dolls give girls unreal expectations. See, apparently in West Virginia, dolls that have all of their teeth are not considered realistic."

* For the record: I do have allmy teeth, thanks.

Favorite Appalachian Quotes

Here I will share some of the best lines I have overheard locally.

"Madonna Rae, get yore ass back to this buggy now or we are leaving The Walmarts with nothing!" (A "buggy" is what the rest of the world would call a "shopping cart.")

"I don't live in a trailer! I live in a DOUBLE WIDE!" (This one was shouted and the person was very insulted at the notion they lived in a "treller.")

"I'm not hungry. I done et." (Meaning: I've already eaten. This gem is from my grandma, so it's cute to me.)

Strangest Christmas Display, Ever

I'm just going to guess that your town (unless you live in MY town) doesn't have this in it's annual Christmas light display. It's the Mothman! Complete with glowing red eyes.

And here is a treat: Schutzstaffel Santa, on his pirate ship The SS Santa!? (If only they had him in a plane! I could've called it Lootwaffe, har har har.) I've added Wikipedia links for those of you who slept through history class. (You're welcome.)
Here's a couple more classic holiday scenes: The Fishing Reindeer:

and Santa, watering his, uhh, ferns, yeah. (He keeps them in the closet with all those bright lights because the weather is so frosty up North Pole way. NOT because it's mari-ju-ana, okay?

Too bad my camera's batteries went dead or I could've shared the other traditional Christmas displays, such as the Santa firing a canon and other treats. Hope you had a nice holiday, kiddiewinkies!

West Virginia: Weird and Wonderful

The official state slogan was once "Wild and Wonderful," but I think it has since been changed. I would have suggested just plain "Weird." My reasons: a. It looks cool on your license plate, b. The little state I live in (no, not Paranoia. I mean the one I physically live in) has actually surpassed even Roswell, New Mexico, in the total number of reported UFO sightings.

Thankfully, the weirdness doesn't end there. We also have the Mothman. This cryptozoolgical mystery was reportedly seen hundreds of times by different people, all sightings actually originating in the Point Pleasant area- which is the town I currently live in. (I keep waiting to see him but he has yet to show.) Pictured below is an artist sketch of the odd fellow that had everyone so scared. This all happened in the late 1960s. It is speculated by many that the creature came to warn the town of the tragic collapse of the Silver Bridge here in Point Pleasant that killed many people. Others say it was a large owl with his feathers ruffed, making him appear much larger. Just a thought, but if theory one is correct and he had wanted to warn people -maybe he should have said something, or at least scratched a quick note in the dirt. Some cryptids have no manners whatsoever. (Photo borrowed, without permission from http://www.taskboy.com/. Not sure who has actual copyrights.)
Next, an even older mystery, complete with spooky monster. This strange tale unfolds in Braxton County, West Virginia, where several people reported that an object had fallen from the sky in September of 1952. Upon closer investigation of the spot those same persons allegedly saw a ten-foot tall monster, with a spade-shaped head and a beet-red face. (I am only speculating, but I believe they may have run out of hyphenated descriptions.) Below is a sketch of the Flatwoods Monster, or Monster of Braxton County. (Also borrowed sans permission, this time from http://www.worldoftheunknown.com/.)

Unfortunately I have yet to run into any of these characters. I will say, however, that a trip to the local grocery store any day of the week will invariably put me face to face with creatures of the human sort that are easily just as strange and fascinating as any mentioned above.

It is a weird place.

I think I like it here.