Thursday, March 5, 2009

Blogging With My Good Eye

(Or, When House Cats Attack)

So, I'm feeling like a pirate and not because I've been illegally downloading music (because I haven't!)

No, nothing so fun. It's actually
a cat BIT my eye! It was on my chest purring one second and then with no provocation the next second my eyelid was being stretched out from the inside by its enormous cat fangs. Ouch. Yes, it hurt like hell.

So I spent last night at the emergency room because it was the only medical facility open at the time. I missed the much quicker and cost-effective option of Urgent Care by four minutes, and they wouldn't see me. (Bastards!)

My eye was dyed orange and inspected under ultraviolet light. Doctor's diagnosis: deep corneal abrasion. MY diagnosis: man, life sucks sometimes.

I was given topical antibiotic ointment and "one sexy eye patch." (That is the nurse's words. Um, he lied!) No, they didn't give me a color choice. It's an eggshell brown color with ventilation holes. I realize that any blogger with true grit would post pictures of their eye patch, however, I have that one niggling shred of self-pride left that isn't going to allow me to do so... yet. Let me just give you a quick idea of what it looks like, though. Okay. See this sexy pirate chick?
Well, it looks a lot less like that, and much more like THIS:
Imagine the Hannibal Lecter mask cut down to fit awkwardly over one eye and that is more accurate. On the bright side my friend Jenny has offered to Bedazzle the patch to make it more appealing. I was thinking maybe glue gun and sequins, but whatever. (She also texted me while I waited to be released and told me to ask if they could cut off a hand and replace it with a hook while I was there, so my patch didn't appear so incongruous. They wouldn't.)

Once home from the ER, Jeremy amused himself by taking pictures of me with my sweet eye patch on his cell phone. I'm sure all his coworkers (also my former coworkers, mind you) are just going to love them.
So, in case I haven't commented on your blog in the past 48 hours, just know it's not because I don't care. It's because I'll be looking in the mirror (with my good eye) and practicing my "Hello Clarice."
The moral of my story: When life gives you an eye patch, get a peg leg to go with it.
Oh yeah- and don't pet cats with a known history of surliness. You may get a tooth in your cornea.


minerva1822 said...

OMG!! i would totally skin the much as I love cats too I would skin it...I'm sorry that happened...are you feeling any better?
At least Jenny offered to make the eye patch sexier for it is hopeless I would just go out and by a cool one.
Make sure you study up on your pirate language in the time being..may come in handy and strangers will just think you've watched too many pirate
My phone is off for the time being..I'll call you as soon as its back on and see how your doing...hope all else is well...give violet a kiss for me.

OHN said...

All I can think is OUCH! Does it still hurt? I hope along with the lecter patch, they gave you pain meds :)

Ann's Rants said...

WTF CAT?!? That sounds terrible! What an awful ordeal.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Ouch! How long do you have to wear the patch?

The Self-Deprechaun said...

Yikes. i hope you feel better arrrgh matey. Was the cat, blicky by chance? MAO!

Feel better!

amber of TheAmberShow said...

When life gives you an eye patch, you take photos. Seriously. I can't believe you didn't!

I'm going to be REALLY disappointed if you don't take a photo post-Bedazzling.

*mary* said...

OHN- No such luck! Only topical antibiotics and Amoxil. It still stings and is sore.

ETW- Until I see the eye doctor, which is three to four days away still.

Self-Dep: No, it wasn't Blicky, but I think they are definitely in cahoots.

Amber know! I'm so lame. I'm still traumatized. I'm sure I'll put pics up, esp. if the patch gets Bedazzled!

Ina- thanks. I'm pretty sure my vision will be fine at least.

Thanks everyone!


OUCH! And after enduring all that they still wouldn't give you a hook? Son's of B's.
Seriously though, I hope your eye is all right?
Just make sure you take off that patch before your friend starts working her magic on it with her bedazzling.

Laoch of Chicago said...


The Great Fox Hating Potentate said...

You'd think they'd have at least given you a nice bottle of Chianti and some fava beans. :P

My cat is a biter; he does the whole, nuzzle and purr until your guard is down and then try to take a chunk of man flesh away with him, gleefully dangling like one of his fishing toys. I've now learned to anticipate this and dodge at appropriate times. No eye patches for me. Except when I'm downloading music. :D

Sidd said...

Back luck, me hearty. But Pirate Wedgehead wants you to know one eye is far more attractive than two. Hope you are better soon. Ouch! Revoke that scallywags cuddle privileges.

Anonymous said...

for eons the battle between cat and women has raged on,to our depth perception impaired comrad mary,we salute you in your bravery and truly feel your loss.death to all cats! p.s. it wasnt an ocelot was it?because then it would just be your fault! luv bubby

mary evelyn said...

owwwwwwwww ow ow ow ow! i'm going to be so cautious around my cat from now on.

i'm all about the glue gun and sequins to sex up the eye patch look a bit.

when life hands you lemons, get crafty :o)

i hope it gets better soon!

Constructive Attitude said...


ok im sorry. this is NOT funny..

but i cant help but laugh at the hannibal lecter reference. hahahahhaha

hopefully your eye will be back to normal ASAP

Chelle said...

That'll learn you for whatever it was you did/didn't do/thought.

Mary Moore said...

OWCHIES!!! Thank god you're ok though!

controlled chaos said...

oh man! I'm so sorry! and I'm sorry on behalf of C.A. for laughing at you.
I think you should just color your eye patch black, and get a rad bandana, and practice saying "ARGH" or "PARLEY"; maybe get a parrot?

hmm tell me what does you daughter think of your eyepatch?

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